Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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