he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
