im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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