I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
