You smell like stripper and shame
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
