can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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