ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
