Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
