ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
