Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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