ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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