Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize