I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
