Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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