His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
