I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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