last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
