She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
