I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize