I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
