Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
