you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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