You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
