gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
