It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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