when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
