my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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