how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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