Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
