My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
