Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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