He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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