Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize