Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
