It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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