There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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