I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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