we have pet lesbian snakes
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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