just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
