I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it's like iHOP with fire
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
