sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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