yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
