I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
