I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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