My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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