If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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