I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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