Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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