I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i don't like sucking hair
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
