So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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