My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
