New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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