More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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