Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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