You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
