Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i believe in u and ur pee
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