You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
