the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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